When I was a little girl I asked my mother what will I be…

Life happenings are beginning to stir in my little corner of the world. So many changes have occurred in the past two years bringing me further into adulthood. With summer here and me rapidly approaching my thirty first birthday I am reminded of my childhood and the things that I was taught to believe in. 

My mother had a gift from God, she said. A specialness about her. A way of knowing things before they would happen. She proved this right many times as I was growing up. Allowing me to pour more and more of my faith into her. Allowing her word to be the final one and one that I eventually learned not to question. As I reached my teenage years, after the mystical happenings of my childhood, I’d lay on her bed and ask her about my future. Basic things… Who I would marry, how many children I would have, if I’d be happy. 

In my teenage years of falling in and out of young love I’d ask her again and again- is he the one? Always to be answered with a sorry; not yet. 

I brought Jason home shortly after my nineteenth birthday. He was shaggy haired and bright eyed. I asked him to please understand before he entered the house… To please not judge, but that my mother wanted to meet him. And as I walked him through my box packed living room that contained no furniture but my bed and a tv on the floor back to my mother’s room where she was sitting waiting patiently in bed I sincerely hoped he’d understand. She asked him questions like she always did as him and I sat on the foot of her bed. After the brief interrogation we started for the living room only to have her whisper, calling me back, with a him. 

Now I did marry him and I did bare his children. Not the correct number or gender that I was told. 

Three babies; two boys, one girl. 

 I have carried four children. But am left with two living boys. 

After my miscarriage, my third baby, baby a… I sat on my sister’s porch and asked her if she thought that was it for me… Three children, my two boys- Jack and Ben- and now that third baby, in my mind a girl- our Alex. But now, a year since that loss I have healthy seven week old Will.  

There’s really not a logical point for that thought process. Just that I’ve been in thinking about it. 

We’re going to be moving again soon. Starting another chapter somewhere new. I wish my mom was here to share some more of her specialness.  

Que sera, sera… Whatever will be will be.

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