The things I want to say to you: pt. 2

It’s starting to get colder here and I’ve been missing you terribly. It seems as though when every November rolls in and October leaves me, the slight aching in my heart returns and it beats in a rhythm of longing for you.

Did you know that dad remembers you each year? He doesn’t say anything or announce it. Every year for the past three years, with the exception of this one, he has requested having Jack come for a sleepover. His quiet way of acknowledging my love for you. For giving me the break, allowing me to be on my island, and just miss you. He didn’t this year. It didn’t work out, or maybe he figured I wouldn’t want to be away from the baby also. He did show up tonight, as he does on more Sundays than not, with tired eyes, because he needed to hug the boys. I watch him with them. He tries so hard to be a great grandfather to them. He’s doing a great job and so is T. You’d appreciate the love she gives to them, I think. 

Tonight I’m wondering what you think of them. Most of the time I can get past you not being here to see them and I’m not really 100% sure about the afterlife. It makes me really sad that you’ve missed everything. 

I’ve distanced myself away from people who failed me after you left. As I got older and started my family I figured that they weren’t there for me then so why should I give them the most awesome privilege of knowing my kids? My family dissentigrated to almost no one, but has grown so much since then. 

I wish you were here. The baby favors you. People say he looks like his daddy and I suppose in someways he does. But when I look at him I see you. He has your serious stern eyes and your forehead wrinkles. He has your big brown eyes. And you can’t see them. You can’t see how much his personality resembles what yours was.

So now I guess I want to tell you what you’ve missed. Not the big things, the important things. Kayla got your sense of humor. She’s the funniest teenager I’ve ever met. Her jokes are ridiculous and stupid and lovely, just like yours were. Chris is not a saint, like you thought he’d be, but he is special. He’s a good kid. And he will grow up to be a good man and a good father. Noah, sweet Noah, is the most caring kid I have ever met. He’s sweet and generous and will take care of Jenny for anything she needs as he gets older. Mattie is me. So much like me that it makes my heart ache for her sometimes. Sensitive. She’s going to care for so many people in her lifetime but with as sensitive as she is she’s ten times as strong. My Jack is the best. He is smart and artistic and he genuinely cares about people. But my proudest thing is that he is kind.

Your middle has achieved more this year than she has in the past 10. I feel like you already knew what she was capable of. But you’d be so proud if you saw her now. 

I don’t know about your oldest. I wish I did. I feel like every time I see him there are so many things unsaid, and deep sadness for how things are. I will fix this one day. Not today, but soon.

And me. I have a family, a big one, that loves me. I have everything I’ve ever wanted. I have everything that I need. I have a good man and two beautiful boys. But I’m still missing you. 

Happy Birthday Momma, wherever you are. Come visit me in my dreams. I’d like to hear your voice again. I’d like to lay with you and talk about how wonderful everyone is. 

I am missing you.