Is it possible to feel both way too connected to everything and disconnected at the same time? Whatever that feeling is… I am it. Right now with the world the way that it is, with people treating eachother the way that they are, I want to retreat back into my bubble with my little family. I don’t go out much, unless I absolutely have to. I’m sure a lot of what I’m feeling has to do with the weather. The bitter cold has given way to dreary rainy days… but I know the cold will still return in February… maybe even March.
I’ve been readingthings about children. Random articles seem to find me. Topics about neglect or abuse. And it breaks my heart every single time. I don’t understand it. How anyone could ever be cruel to a child.
Everything is internal. I don’t feel like talking really. I don’t feel like doing things outside of my house. It’s not to say that I’m sad. I just need to be alone for a little while. To figure out why I’m feeling this way, what I can do about it, and decide if I need to change it or just feel it.
I’m sure I’ll feel better once the sunshine returns.
I have so much hope for this year. I have a casuous heart and watching eyes though. I feel like I’m missing something or someone.
Life has been about surviving lately. Making it through the day. I haven’t found a good balance here yet. I feel like most days, evenings especially, are just doing things in order to have everyone functioning for the next day. Checklists and piles by the door, waiting for the morning so I can start over again.
I need to find my rythym. So I’m not just surviving. Or maybe let my own expectations of my self be a little lower so I can be more present.
This is my brain right now.
I’m sure I’ll be better once the sunshine returns.